Intimacy is the sense of being close to other people. It can occur between parent and child, between two adults as friends or partners, or even with coworkers. This feeling of being accompanied in the world, of not being alone, "outside of things", or lonely, is important for self-esteem. Experiencing joy and love in relationships is a source of strength for human beings.
This means commitment to others. People who make time for their friends, who reach out to other people, and who let others know that they care often have many friends.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Really try to understand how others feel. Make sure you know what people are talking about by asking them questions and clarifying what they mean. Express interest in what others are doing. Do not be afraid to listen to others in distress and to let them know you care. Let others know you are available to them. Avoid giving advice. Just be there.
When you confide in others and open yourself to others, they will confide in you. When you are upset about something, ask someone you trust for a few minutes time to talk about it.
Learn how to express your feelings. As you consider your reactions to daily events, mentally start sentences with "I feel...." Then say the sentence aloud to someone. Try not to hide your feelings in relationships. Know that depending on others can be a sign of strength and can help your friendships develop into a relationship of interdependence.
If you live with others, start conversation at the dinner table. Talk about things that happened at work, items in the news, and what you are feeling that day.
Be honest and open about your feelings and ideas. State what you really think as often as you can. Accept different views and feelings, even anger.
When others talk to you about their feelings, focus on their words and don't judge their feelings, even if they are different from what you feel in the same situation.
Smile, call people by name, ask them questions about themselves, look them in the eye, remember things about them, and find out how their life is for them. This will help you feel connected.
Be willing to laugh at yourself. Concentrate on humor that does not make fun of others, but that makes us all laugh together.
People who have been raised in surroundings that are not "safe" — where emotional or sexual abuse occurs, where people neglect each other, where criticism is constant and praise is never heard — have trouble feeling confident enough to have friends. For many people, the risk of friendship feels very great. It feels to them as if friends will betray them or will use confidences against them. They don't trust their judgment about other people and fear that they will be hurt.
Living does involve being hurt by others, and people who have been hurt in their childhood have learned to expect this kind of pain. They tend to disregard the times people have been kind or generous or loving in their adult lives. They feel that their view of the world as a dangerous place has been proven.
Only by taking risks can people find friendship and love with others. Practicing listening, humor, self-disclosure, and warmth can be rewarded with warmth and caring from others and new friendships can be born.
Help people who have problems with intimacy to overcome their fears. Offer a safe and loving environment. Listen carefully and without judgment to what they say. Listening can be even more important than trying to solve their problems or make them feel better. Support groups can be very helpful in learning how to take risks.
