Self-Esteem

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself. If you like yourself and feel deserving of good things in life, you have high self-esteem. If you dislike yourself or put yourself down, you have low self-esteem.

High self-esteem is important because when you are confident you usually have better relationships with others and can accomplish more. High self-esteem helps you lead a fuller, more satisfying life. If you have good self-esteem, you are usually positive and expect others to like you. You are a better parent and are able to manage life's struggles. In contrast, if you think poorly of yourself, you may distrust others and may be afraid to try doing things that could bring you success. People with low self-esteem may fall into destructive behavior and may get along poorly with friends and family.

How can I tell if I have good self-esteem?

If you agree with 5 or more of these statements, your self-esteem is good:

• I do not feel I must always please other people.
• I generally feel that I like myself.
• I speak up for myself and feel I have rights.
• I am happy most of the time.
• I feel that my struggles are normal ones and not my fault.
• I do not need to prove that I am better than others.
• I do not need constant validation or approval from others.
• I can make friends easily.
• I feel good about myself without praise from others.
• I feel pleased, rather than envious, when those I care about have success in life.

If you have low self-esteem, you:

• put yourself down or do not know how to respond when you get a compliment
• often feel guilty, even if you know something is not your fault
• apologize all the time for everything
• believe that you do not deserve things that others think you deserve
• do not feel like you are a good parent, spouse, or child
• have trouble setting limits or asserting yourself

How can I increase my self-esteem when it is low?

You may have low self-esteem at certain points in your life and higher self-esteem when you have accomplished some of your goals, such as having a good marriage or doing well at a challenging job or at school. Struggling against low self-esteem is a common problem. It requires effort, particularly if poor self-esteem is a result of experience with childhood caretakers.

Ways to increase self-esteem include:

• Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. When you feel accepted and encouraged by others, you feel better about yourself.
• Be confident in work situations and at home. When you act as if you deserve something, you will tend to value yourself more.
• Write positive statements about yourself on cards, such as "I am a kind and caring person." Look at the cards several times a day no matter how you feel. This can remind you of the goals you have regarding your self-esteem.
• Focus on things you can do, things you are good at, and things that make you feel proud. Make a list of past successes and review it often.
• Set goals that are realistic. Make a plan to reach them and work toward your goals every day.
• If something goes wrong, be aware of when you are inappropriately blaming yourself. If you are responsible for a mistake, accept the responsibility, fix the error, and move on. You can make mistakes and still be a good person.
• Commit regular time in your life to helping others. When you help others, their response can help you feel good about yourself. It is easier to have better self-esteem when you are caring and loving, if that is one of your goals for yourself.
• Become more aware of negative self-statements in your mind, for instance saying to yourself, "I did that badly." Counter the negative statements with positive ones. Replace criticism with praise. Learn to be your own best fan.
• Talk with others about the sources of low self-esteem. An accepting and trusted friend or a therapist can help you understand experiences that were not your fault.
• Take good care of your body. Eat well, be well groomed, and get enough sleep and exercise. If you feel well physically, you will feel better emotionally.